Layering: Why Self-Development Isn't Linear

I used to be a smoker, big drinker, and a dipper and diver into exercise. I didn’t have much in the way of a foundation because my lifestyle was on call 24/7 which meant I wasn’t able to build structures or consistence- and that worked well for me. Adhoc, spontaneity and variety kept me flexible and open which made me prime character for my line of work.

It also meant that building consistently wasn’t really an option. Travel can be disruptive. Not having a routine minimised disruption because nothing was interrupted and I remained adaptable - the flip side meaning that nothing was able to ground.

There came a point where- as much as I loved my lifestyle, affluent, enjoyable and comfortable- I wanted something more. More meaning, more structure, more rooting.

I began taking new things up bit by bit; yoga, healthy eating (veganism for 5 years!), and temporary no-drinking periods. Detoxing. I’d rotate and dip in and out of these healthier ways of living as and when I felt called to.

After doing my teacher training in Ubud, yoga took root as a regular practice but I still didn’t have a routine or structure to it.

When I moved to Saudi, I had no choice to quit drinking, but even with my 1 month off rotations, I kept it up.

I started journalling almost daily.

Meditating daily.

I began spiritual practices.

But nothing stuck out for the long term.

But here’s the additional aspect: layering.

Again it’s all in the framing.

I used to look at myself as something to fix or improve. It’s not. It’s something to refine.

I used to think that to fix myself it required this list:

Quit drinking

Quit smoking

Daily yoga

Daily journalling

Healthy Eating

Therapy

Coaching

Heal wounds

Choose healthy relationships

Fix all that’s wrong with me before choosing relationship.

Get richer.

Find my purpose.

Become securely attached.

Stay and root in one location and build up.

You see how they seem? Besides your own personal translation: they’re all pretty structured. List of items. To-do. Work through the list. Linear progression. Upward trajectory.

That’s a mindset. And that’s a mindset of fix and improve.

The thing is- you don’t need fixing. You don’t need improving. You are not a project. You are not a to-do list. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Can we be better? Absolutely. Is that part of the journey? Yes. We have our whole lives.

So how about this:

Layering instead. After-all, we have time. If you force it- you’ll ruin the relationship with yourself. If you rush it- it won’t stick.

Layering means shifting away from looking at ourselves as a broken project, as the self help world banks on us believing- and moves us into “it’s a process” mindset. Growth mindset.

We do not need to tick of boxes. We focus on one thing.

This year- I’m not drinking. And when you achieve it- keep it. This is now who I am. These are all the good things that come of it. To find reasons to do it again, is a form of self abandonment. And I will not abandon myself.

This year- I’m not smoking. And when you succeed noticing the achievement, how you feel and commit to keep going.

Self development isn’t becoming someone new. Or fixing yourself. Erasing all your faults. Or being perfect. In fact- I used to think I wanted to be “my best self”. Even that wears thin.

Self development is a messy process of getting it right sometimes, wrong most of the time until we have fine tuned ourselves into a slightly more refined version of our truth. What honestly isn’t helping us? What honestly do we want to do? What really do and don’t we need?

It’s not about perfecting ourselves- it’s about choosing ourselves.

I choose me- and therefore I want to look after my body.

I choose me- and therefore, I want to have relationships that support me.

I choose me- and therefore, I want to move to that location.

Whatever it is- whatever you do- self improvement and development shouldn’t be a boxing ring to take yourself into each day you slip up, but a promise to not abandon yourself in the choices that you make.