Habits, Identity & Commitment: The Three Things That Make Change Last

I went back to drinking because I started dating in the UK- I thought, “who would want to date a non-drinker in the UK?”

This was before I learnt that actually GenZ (I think) were changing the drinking culture, making non-drinking widely acceptable. But as a millennial- I thought- no way, I’d be written off.

Most of healthy habits, I had kept up when I was feeling good. Motivated. Zen.

When I was feeling anxious, frustrated, stressed- healthy habits dropped and unhealthy habits crept in. And yet, it’s at those moments I needed the healthy habits the most.

After living in the UK for a while, I decided it’s time to quit smoking. They cost twice as much as in the Middle East, unlike the Middle East- the culture didn’t support it. It wasn’t social, it wasn’t financially friendly and I was sick of doing it.

I’d attempted to quit on and off for about 3 years - and how did I do it? By priming my brain with Allen Carr's hypnotic approach. And eventually making a commitment to myself.

A commitment to myself.

It wasn’t until I decided to quit drinking for good after it lead me to some dodgy decisions and fractured relationships; that gave me clarity that it should never have been taken back up. At that point I started questioning “what if I had kept all my good habits, where would I be?”

I realised that I cycled habits. Switching them up. Swapping them for one another. Sometimes swapping a bad for a good one, a good for a bad and ping ponging.

A couple of people I know are therapists and they’ve both said to me on occasion- years apart, I don’t think humans can live without an addiction.

And I’m starting to believe this is true (disclaimer: this is not condoning behaviour/ addictions/ permission to not take accountability- merely backed by my personal experience and compassionate approach).

When I was pregnant I quit caffeine.

I took it back up after the baby was born- why? Because, guess what- with a baby I could not drink/ smoke (no- I didn’t quit because of pregnancy)/ shop for clothes in the way I had before … all my past addictions were gone and I was not going to take them back up.

So I found a new one: coffee. And maybe cake.

Actually I made myself a “joyful ritual” of pain au raisin and coffee in the morning as a treat for myself during the first year of motherhood, where so much of my usual ways had to be paused whilst I raised my baby.

“It’s true” I thought. I just swap one for another.

What if I had kept them all up? Never drank again the first time I quit. Never smoked again (which has always and will always be the plan). Kept up daily journaling, yoga, meditation.

What if I had made a commitment to myself every time I had ditched a bad habit or addiction and made a new healthy one?

So I reflected on smoking. How had I done it, why did it work?

At the beginning of my permanent quit, my brain did an amazing thing. Due to the reframe I had religiously put myself through, in my sleep my brain dreamt I smoked. I believe it did this because I know from my own training in clinical neuroscience-based hypnotherapy - the brain doesn’t know the difference from imagination and reality. It was most likely thinking “I need a cigarette” and conjured one up.

The most amazing thing about it; I was able to experience smoking without having an actual cigarette. How did I feel when I woke up? Guilty, disgusted and disappointed with myself. Dirty even. Only to realise “just a dream” and feel immense relief … but also “oh, that’s how bad I would feel if I did it again”. Which was a great way to reinforce the quit.

Emotions are particularly effective motivation.

When you want to move away from something; focusing on the negative feelings and sense of self can be powerful. Not in shame or judgement, but in recognition. “Oh, I don’t feel so good about myself when I do this”.

And the opposite for when you want to move towards something “oh- I feel so much happier after doing that”.

It’s those feelings that will support you towards the changes you want to make. Feel them.

Next: Reframe your mindset.

The first time I tried to quit smoking I told someone “I’m a non-smoker”. They were a doctor and said to me “you’re not a non-smoker unless you’ve quit for 2 years”. Guess what I did when I left that appointment; lit a cigarette.

Why? Because of the belief about myself. And how I was identified.

“Well if someone is going to call me a smoker, why go through the agony of not smoking”. How they saw me, is how I saw myself. How they identified me, is how I identified myself. And how you identify yourself is very important to change.

If you don’t see yourself as something, it’s hard to be it. But use it. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself who you are. Don’t let others tell you. You know your capabilities deep down. You wouldn’t be trying if you didn’t know she existed. Find her, bring her to the surface and tell yourself this is who you are. Believe in the person you truly are deep down and not the habits, behaviours or events that you’ve developed along the way.

That’s not who you are.

Lastly: commit and adjust.

It’s uncomfortable making changes. It’s incredible how comforting comfort is. And old ways are nothing more than that: comfort.

We can want something so badly, and when we have it- discard of it. Not because it’s worthless to us. But because we are unfamiliar with it. And unfamiliarity can make the subconscious mind super scared.

Why do you think lottery winners burn it all? In part- lack of experience/ lack of education. But also because it’s unfamiliar. Subconsciously they probably don’t identify with being a millionaire, they can’t emotionally contain it and their brain probably panics somewhere underneath conscious awareness and all this unfamiliarity and beliefs will have them getting rid of pretty quickly. It’s foreign and therefore: fear.

Committing to this self is important. Yes it’s uncomfortable. Yes you would feel so much ease, relaxation and safety in doing what you usually do. Seeing yourself how you usually see yourself. Being who you used to be. Living the way you used to live. It was easy- and sometimes easy can seem incredibly attractive when unfamiliarity comes close. But commit.

When I walked the Camino, I recognised two states of mind. The one where I could kick up a fuss “I don’t want to walk that far”, “I’m so tired”, “I just want a drink”, “I’m hungry”, “how far do I have left to go?”.

Or I could get on with it. “5am get up”. “Walking X amount today”. “Just walk”. This sense of talk- in fact, just is, and doing- without mentally fighting with myself or looking at the other possibilities- made it so much easier. SO much easier. It wasn’t negotiable. I wasn’t wasting energy. In fact, when I resisted, I felt mental, and physical and energetic resistance. When I just accepted: I accepted. That’s it- straight road ahead.

We will make excuses. We will ruminate. We will mediate between the two parts of us that want opposite things. We will doubt and question and resist.

But in the end- the change you want, is just a commitment to yourself. A statement of fact.

“I don’t drink.”

“I don’t smoke.”

“I don’t shop.”

“I don’t scroll.”

And make that a non-negotiable promise to yourself. It’s now who you are.

You see, I think we make deals and negotiations with ourselves because it seems easier. If I say that I am just detoxing for 3 days- I can manage that. If I’m not drinking for a month- I can manage that.

We see the version of ourselves that we want and know she exists, whilst never depriving ourselves of something that we deem as ‘beneficial’ or comforting.

But we betray ourselves and abandon ourselves every time we don’t commit to ourselves.

Is change non-linear and rarely in that step by step- just like that list above? Absolutely. You have to find your own way and journey. And often we force ourselves when we aren’t ready and then kick ourselves when we fail. But there are also times when we will never be ready because we have conditioned ourselves to believe it’s needed or wanted, and then the only right time is the moment we decide.