What I learnt About Rebuilding #2

I used to think that meaning was found.

I had spent most of my twenties climbing promotions, and sat firmly in luxury and a leisurely lifestyle funded by my work in my late twenties.

Life was easy, tax-free and enjoyable.

Really… depending on personality, of course… the level of comfort is what I’d have thought most strive for. Financial freedom. Material security. Low stress.

Not that I was rich, but my life reflected a rich man’s life because my work was entwined with theirs. My salary package reflected who I was working for.

But as I sat exactly where I had striven to be at 21, I realised, this isn’t enough. Success alone didn’t fulfil me. As I had climbed the ladder, I unconsciously allowed something more important to fall away.

Meaning.

The process of reaching higher altitudes had fulfilled me - the growth, the newness, the ambition. Once I’d reached my goals, it all felt so… empty.

I realised that, although there is nothing wrong with ambition, success, financial security - I could not sell my soul. I discovered something new about myself: I needed depth. I needed work that had impact. I needed a vocation.

At first, I thought this was a business - something with autonomy, flexibility and creativity. But although I explored different ideas that were ahead of the trend, I found myself not wishing to invest or pursue them seriously because they were all expressions of the success I had. Ambition. Process. Material gain.

I required something more. I needed not to solve a manipulated problem (focus on one’s lack and shame to increase your beauty, comfort, convenience, etc.). I wanted to stay well away from that model and instead address a deeper root. A soulful, mental, emotional problem - and help people in a way that’s actually helpful! Contribute towards creating a liveable solution to a deeper problem that already exists... but I wasn’t sure on what that was. Mental health? General? Specific? Spiritual?

So I moved trained in different modalities. Yoga - therapies - coaching - spiritual - clinical - practical - EQ - crisis. All different expressions, different approaches, different problems.

Each time I trained in one, I felt, “This isn’t enough. It’s too simple/basic/limited/restrictive.” So I piled on top of each qualification, hoping to create something more rounded, flexible and in-depth.

I thought at some point I would find my thing.

I would take off. I would have found true fulfilment. I would have meaning.

After mass deconstruction, extensive exploration and being no further forward, I felt defeated.

Maybe there was no meaning and I had given it all up for nothing. Just endless exploring and chasing.

It wasn’t until I became a mother that I saw the truth clearly.

Meaning is built.

I had voluntarily walked into this new life/chapter/sense of self, where all my priorities, limitations, abilities and time had been reconstructed and were all new to me.

Old strategies and ways of being no longer worked, and I slowly worked through where new lines of possibility now existed.

The overwhelm of motherhood, juggling the practicalities and feeling like I was just trying to survive, had me unlocking a newfound strength. I realised I was more capable than I realised.

As I worked through the challenges that came with motherhood, I realised that I called call these challenges problems, or I could see them as a contribution to something bigger than me. A legacy. A generation. A future. Another’s happiness and well-being: and call that meaning.

I decided what lens I looked through.

What story I was going to tell.

What special moments I was going to extract.

How I was going to approach it.

I was choosing motherhood to be a self-defined story by defining motherhood for myself and not allowing someone to write that narrative for me.

Subsequently, through practising this within motherhood, I realised this was how I was to start looking at all areas of my life.

I would build meaning into it by redefining what each area of my life meant to me, what calling I was answering and what bricks I would lay down on top of it.

It wasn’t going to be decided by someone else.

Nor defined by someone else.

Nor imposed by someone else.

Meaning was mine to choose, create and intentionally structure.