Things I thought I was doing wrong because it didn’t look like everyone else

I’ve always had accurate instincts and when I was younger I followed them. A) because it was natural, and B), I wasn’t aware of the conflicting external noise- or maybe, my internal instincts were just stronger.

But as I grew older, particularly entering my thirties, my mindset started to change. It was almost as if I had given myself a free pass: you’re in your twenties, you can go and have fun and do things your way. We will do things the “right way” later. And I had semi-consciously made an internal deal to things the “right way” in my thirties.

What does the right way mean? Settle down. Get a home. Move back to where I came from. Have a family. Follow traditional structures.

Why did I believe this was the “right way”? Because I had a strong template of it from my parents, friends and families that had grown up with.

I had mistaken my way as the wrong way. And the transitional way as the right way. I had presumed myself young and experimental, and that I had made the most of it, and that I should time cap it in order to fit in. And of course, I wanted a home and family. And I had presumed to have this, I had to go about it a certain way too. This is called conditioning.

And it’s not just family/ settling down/ age presumptions that I was applying it to. I was applying to my whole internal system too.

I like to move first thing- instinctively. But i sit and journal because it makes more sense and being still first thing in the morning is something I picked up on somewhere.

I emotional regulate by action and change. But I try to sit still and do breathwork or restrict myself physically because I picked up somewhere that emotions should be regulated internally.

I want to live abroad and move around. But I stayed in my home country for four years because moving around is presumed escapism.

I wanted to have at least three holidays a year, but I had one because that’s what most people do. (Turns out 7 breaks a year is optimal for your mental health).

I overrode my internal and gut instincts of how I work best, because I presumed and prioritised how other people work. I wanted to fit in, without even realising that was what I was trying to do. I thought I was flawed, wrong, and stood out as being different or immature, when actually it’s how I feel happiest and most alive. It’s how I function optimally.

I thought I had to integrate other people’s systems into my own. I listened to the wellness and hustle culture that promotes results and optimums:

• consistency through repetition,

• gradual accumulation,

• predictability,

• optimization,

• reducing friction through sameness.

When in fact my nature was totally different. I was optimal for cyclical engagement, not repetitive patterns. I prefer intuitive structures, that are flexible towards needs. Adaptive routines that support rather and hinder.

Living systems rather than fixed.

A way that I started framing the best way for me is:

Stable anchors instead of rigid scripts.

This gives myself permission to do things my way, whilst acknowledging other formats. It doesn’t mean these things are wrong. Compound habits, accumulated growth, structures are all true. It’s about recognising where adaptations are useful, or if the system is actually useful to you.

Such as:

• movement every morning, but not always the same movement.

• reflection daily, but different formats.

• work blocks, but fluid sequencing.

For some personalities, following the same formats can feel restrictive, performative and disconnecting rather than rejuvenating. Meaning- you’re more likely to hit stagnation than growth.

When I was younger, I never used to question how I did things- or why I didn’t things. Thats a lack of awareness. Yet, this lack of awareness meant that I worked at my optimal- with my shadow side strong too.

We look to polish and quieten our shadow side, whilst this is needed, it does cause developmental tension; instinct without awareness can create collateral damage, where taken to extreme hyper-awareness can suppress vitality itself.

The key word is of course, extreme. Nevertheless, we tend to fluctuate towards excessive before balance.

A question you can ask yourself, is:

Does this rhythm make me more coherent, alive, grounded, and connected over time?

Now of course I am an advocate for self awareness, self improvement, and evolvement. However, I also recognise that there is a shadow side even to that.

For some people, and in some instances, we have a form of hyper awareness and over perfecting. Ignoring the humanism.

Self awareness, turns into self abuse where we are self censoring and criticising ourselves to an unfair or unhealthy level.

Tracking triggers, analysing motives, monitoring shadow can in fact cause psychological paralysis and the very thing that is supposed to help us, can in fact hinder us.

Our life force is quietened with our shadow: both are interconnected. And there is a duality between the two. Therefore when our life force is strong, so is our shadow. When our life force is quietened, so is our shadow.

Because action requires partial uncertainty. You cannot fully embody and fully analyse at the same time.

Many feel safe by playing smaller, by shrinking their life force and natural instincts.

This isn’t servicing anyone, and it is most certainly not healthiest for you.

Moving towards a self that is alive and honoured, whilst maintaining consciousness on the parts of ourselves that are sabotaging, destructive or unhelpful.

Over censoring and controlling isn’t healthy. Fitting into other people’s systems isn’t healthy. But neither is rejecting them entirely, and becoming resigned.

Awareness is most helpful when it is in hanging you, not controlling you. You do not want to be in an abusive relationship with yourself.

Listen to yourself.

Ask is this something that makes me feel good, alive and energised. If yes- keep it.

If no- remove it.

It’s not about perfecting yourself, abandoning yourself, or suffocating yourself.

Self development is exactly that: development. It’s a learning curve, and experience. It’s where we practice and test. And when we get feedback, we listen and act on it.

There is no universal formula. There are individual ones.